Recognizing Characteristics We Were Born Into
When we choose a family to be born into, I believe part of our decision is based on familiarity. Not so much with the people themselves, but with their generations-old behavior and thought patterns. Sometimes we make that choice because we need to live through those patterns again, learning lessons about coping with them. But sometimes, we are ready to shake things up and actually spend part of our lifetime breaking some of those patterns and creating new, healthier ones.
My family has a long history of persecution and poverty, though it hasn’t actually existed in the last two generations (mine and my parents). By the time my parents were born, theirs had already emigrated to the United States and were no longer in an environment where their religion gave others the license to keep them in their proper place, as it were.
Emigrating allowed them to become business owners, to raise their social and economic status, and to own property. They all took advantage of those opportunities, working hard all their lives. Yet beneath the surface, they all carried a poverty mentality; a fear that it could all be taken away. Some became workaholics, others spent money recklessly. All found solace in food or alcohol when their demons shouted too loudly. All worked obsessively hard all their lives, vainly hoping it would keep the demons of poverty and lack at bay.
Getting in Touch With the Demons Within
In truth, those demons resided within themselves, and could only be vanquished by changing those generations-old belief patterns. The constant stress under which they kept themselves killed all of them whether cause of death was cancer, heart attack, stroke, or suicide. Weakened bodies or weakened minds; they couldn’t cope with their perceived failures.
When it came to making a living, not one of them failed. But when it came to making a life, the picture is vastly different. Their idea of nurturing their young was to give them a better life than the one they’d had. In their eyes, “better” meant nicer homes, more luxuries; in other words, stuff. The more intent they became upon acquiring more stuff and keeping up with their neighbors, the less focus they put on quality time for themselves or their offspring. Family gatherings became places to show off their stuff or the accomplishments of their kids. I can assure you, there were no winners in this game.
Determining Our Own Destiny
I spent most of my life being just like my parents; fighting for the almighty buck, trying to do 
more for my kids (and in many cases, failing miserably), and forgetting that what everyone including me needed was more time to just be. It wasn’t until I left the last job I hated and began living more simply that what I was and how I’d gotten there became clear. It made me very afraid!
Was I destined to follow the path which had been etched by my parents, grandparents, and several levels of greats? Or could I really choose to get off that hamster wheel and forge a completely new one?
Admittedly, the idea of forging new roads is scary as hell. There are no signposts, no guidelines, and definitely no safety net. What there is instead is endless potential for joy.
What Constitutes a Better Life?
I’m learning that making a better life means stopping to smell the roses or see pictures in the clouds. It’s long walks and talks with friends, and dancing like nobody’s watching. It’s taking an hour out of my day to meditate with the cats curled up on my lap, head, and chest. Most of all, it’s feeling good about the moment I’m in instead of rehashing the past or worrying about the future.
Best of all, it means I can do the things I love with complete trust that they will lead me to a much better future where my needs and wants are met, I’m giving of myself to others, and finding joy in things which, at one time were merely chores I had to do. When was the last time you scrubbed a floor (unless you’re a clean-a-holic like my mom was) and felt uplifted by the energy you expended and the result you achieved?
Learning to Live My Purposes
It took me a long time to get here, but I’m learning one of my many purposes (and that’s another lesson. We have more than one!) is to break familial patterns which haven’t served the greater good, much less our own for at least two generations, if ever. I’m here to discover and implement the idea that vocation and avocation can be one and the same. We can support ourselves doing what we love, and when we do, the idea of working hard no longer exists. Author and motivational speaker Harvey Mackay once said:
I don’t believe in age, Find something you love to do, and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. You find people like that at any age level. Age doesn’t limit people one-tenth of 1 percent.
As I tread this new path, falling down 10 times and getting up 11, I’m also learning to honor my multi-dimensional self. There is no rule saying we must only love doing one thing. In fact, if you’re like me and are easily bored and distracted, one thing never holds my attention in the long-term. Instead, I’ve learned to honor both my analytical and creative sides.
When I spend time each day writing, my creative side is doing the happy dance all over the house. But if I spend all of my day writing, my inner child starts creating distractions because she’s bored and needs some variety.
So I do something analytical for part of the day as well, even if it’s just doing logic problems, or figuring out a solitaire challenge, or researching something I’m curious about. When I balance things out, my inner child sees no need to create distractions and sits quietly in her corner enjoying the show.
Stepping Over the Shards of Familial Patterns
To my joy and relief, I am not my parents in so many ways. Yes, I bear evidence of the influence they had over me and rejoice over some of the qualities I share with them: Dad’s sense of humor and wit, Mom’s strength and spirituality. But I have no need to indulge in the qualities which destroyed them. For that, my gratitude knows no bounds.
What patterns have been in your family for generations? Which ones are worth keeping, and which need to be broken? Are you the one to break them? Are you already doing it and didn’t even realize it?
Learning to Listen to Our Quieter Voice
I think we’re in a time when we’re both more aware of ourselves and too aware of everyone 
else’s opinions, thanks to social media. Spending time alone, whether it’s in meditation, or out in nature and away from our phones and computers is the best antidote for all the oversharing going on. Author Simone Elkeles rephrased one of my favorites which has had several iterations:
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one but they think each others stink.
You see it every day as people take sides over the latest horrific tragedy or political faux pas. Is it any wonder everyone is frustrated and angry, even if they don’t know what they’re frustrated or angry about? At this point, we’re better served focusing on doing what we love, and offering our opinion only if asked, and if we can do so without raising our own ire and everyone else’s. When was the last time you were able to solve a problem when you were angry and hot-headed?
When All Else Fails, Breathe
Breathe, do something you love with someone you enjoy being with (even if that someone is you). Trust that answers will come when you’re in a relaxed state and you will truly be able to solve the problems of the world. But first you need to break those outdated family patterns which lead you to react instead of stepping back, thinking clearly, and responding.
Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, Virtual Assistant and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws 
of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. She is available for article writing and ghost writing to help your website and the business it supports grow and thrive. Her specialties are finding and expressing your authentic self. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming release of “Forgotten Victims: Healing and Forgiving After Suicide”.
