Releasing the Concept of Memoir
My editor posed an interesting and completely unexpected question to me. She asked how attached I was to the idea of my book being a memoir. Before I spent too much time lost in confusion, she went on to explain that my answer would determine how she wrote up her notes.
If I insisted on keeping to the memoir genre, it would require extensive rewriting and a major improvement to my storytelling skills. It seems I failed miserably in the areas of story arc and “showing, not telling”, just to name a couple of weak areas in my manuscript.
But it’s not all bad news. If I rethink my genre and instead, market it as a Self-Help book with a personal twist, my biggest weakness (pending seeing her notes at least) is organization. At the moment, she said it reads like a blog post or a collection of essays; rambling, unstructured, and at times, repetitive. According to her, after reading the same information a couple of times, even though it’s in a different context, my readers would put the book down and never finish it.
Recognizing My Strengths and Weaknesses
I could easily be crushed or discouraged by her words, but the truth is, I had prepared myself 
to hear far worse. She doesn’t hate my writing, nor the message I’m conveying. She believes as a Self-Help book, I can get it into shape by basically moving some things around, and of course, cutting others. Neither surprise me.
I can organize a set of financial books down to the nth degree without a problem. But I know when it comes to my writing, my high school English teachers would toss their hands up in disgust. Endless hours spent learning how to construct the perfect essay or research paper went completely to waste with my literary endeavors.
In case you’re wondering, I’m going with her suggestion. In truth, I didn’t set out to write a memoir because I needed it to be a memoir per se. My goal was to share my experiences for others who might be struggling after a suicide loss, though several have told me what I’ve written could be useful after any kind of death. In reality, my personal experiences aren’t all that unique. It’s simply in how I put them all together.
Using What I’ve Learned to Help Others, No Matter What it’s Called
Perhaps too, it’s in letting others know they’re not alone struggling with grief. They’re not alone in being unwilling or unable to reach out to others for help. Like me, many were raised to be self-sufficient, but instead of being an asset, it’s often a liability.
It reminds me of an exercise I did at a Muscular Dystrophy conference. Three of us were given a stack of blocks and asked to build a structure as tall and as fast as we could. Mid-way through, the leader knocked the table and each of our individual towers fell down.
The point he was trying to make was, as long as we built our structures alone, we’d never build anything as resilient as we would by combining our efforts. The one would have been far stronger than the three alone.
We’re Not Meant to Stand Alone
In life, my parents taught me to stand alone. In death, they forced me to learn not only was I 
stronger, but I could go further faster when I became part of a community. The stigma attached to mental health and suicide tends to make survivors believe we must continue to travel our road alone.
Nothing is farther from the truth. I began to heal only when I emerged from my own painstakingly constructed cave to find in reality, it was constructed of paper, string, and sealing wax rather than the bricks and mortar I intended.
I had to stand first in my nakedness, alone and exposed, with my life and my belief system in tatters at my feet. Like an addict, I had to admit I needed help. What I’d held to be true for over 50 years was based only on a false reality passed down from one generation to the next for who knows how long. It was a belief system full of holes and rotten from the inside out. It held, not dreams, but only disappointments.
Accepting My “Not a Memoir” Gracefully
But a memoir is apparently a collection of stories, in a way. It is a re-enactment of a life which may also have a message. What I’ve written is a message with bits and pieces of an existence which only now is becoming a life.
I could go back and write the stories—the moments I was made to feel “less than”, the times I failed to live up to expectations, the countless fights I had with my mom. But it would mean reliving those moments and revisiting the pain. It would mean going back to the sad, lonely, isolated woman who buried her head in her pillow after her daughters were asleep to cry out all the pain and misery she dared not show because people would see her as weak and would use it against her. Or so she’d been taught to believe.
Even now, I see myself standing on the sidelines as all my friends get asked to dance. I don’t dare ask someone myself because I “know” I’ll be rejected. In my mind, I still believe I’m too fat, or too loud, or too unattractive to even deserve a dance. I still believe I learned to line dance, not because it was fun and great exercise, but because it was the only way I’d get to do something I truly loved—dance.
Saving My Scars for Another Day
Such are the scars from my childhood. Fitting in was always the goal. Standing out only got 
you hurt or humiliated. Unique was a dirty word unless you stuck with acceptable areas: scholarship, musical talent, perfect housekeeping.
As usual, I digress. The stories are certainly inside me, bundled tightly together with the pain. But telling them right now defeats my purpose. I’m not looking for pity or even sympathy. My goal in writing Life Torn Asunder: Rebuilding After Suicide isn’t now, nor was it ever to make people sad for the person I was. Instead, it’s to uplift and encourage those who suffer terrible tragedies, especially when they believe they’re not equipped to sift through the muck and emerge whole.
If my intent and the way I wrote it make it a Self-Help book instead of a memoir, I can embrace the shift as another course correction in a journey that has been anything but straight and narrow, or predictable.
Do You Need a Helping Hand to Get Back on Course?
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About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author. And check out her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming release of “Life Torn Asunder: Rebuilding After Suicide”.
