Basing Security on Hits and Misses
Sometimes I stumble. I set a goal and miss it; sometimes by inches, others, by miles. The distance doesn’t matter. Failing myself does.
I set aggressive goals to keep myself motivated and moving forward. I know there are some I’ll struggle to achieve, or even miss. But I don’t always remember to be gentle with myself when I do miss one, or better still, to give myself credit for the 50 I made instead of beating myself over the one or two I missed.
One of the biggest challenges in working for myself is remembering to give myself credit for my wins. It’s all too easy to raise the failures to the stature of Mount St. Helens, but the successes, though they outnumber the failures are often ignored, or at best, relegated to the status of grains of sand, or shriveled peas.
Is it Retirement, or Relationship Building?
It’s even worse during those times when all my working hours are spent on projects for myself; 
be they writing, marketing, or education. At those times, if someone asks whether I have clients, I’ll say “not right now” and they’ll often reply “so you’re retired then.” And I shrivel a little more.
It’s hard to remind myself the tasks I’m doing are part of the process of owning and running a business. Time spent on developing relationships, or putting myself out into the world are hardly about retirement. They’re about building my future security.
If I were truly in retirement, I’d get up when and if I please. I’d take long walks, or spend days at the beach. I’d read or haunt bookstores. I wouldn’t make schedules I expected to keep, or have an aggressive schedule for posting in my blogs, on Medium, or any other public forum. I wouldn’t care about learning anything useful, though I suspect I’d dabble in a lot of things I consider fun.
Just because my income isn’t regular or steady; even though I don’t get up at the same time every day and leave the house with coffee cup clutched in my hand to drive to a job I may or may not despise doesn’t mean I’m retired. It might mean I’ve slowed down enough to smell that coffee before I gulp it down to unfog my brain. Perhaps I’m walking a different road where I find inspiration for my writing instead of a long, dark road to frustration.
Business Development in My Own Space and Time
It also doesn’t mean I’m not following up on leads or bidding on jobs when I find something or someone in my relationship that’s a good fit, or a worthy challenge for my skills. Perhaps I’m more selective about who and what those opportunities are. Maybe I’d rather make a contribution than simply cobble something together and collect my fee.
I want to give my clients more than they expect, but that means working with people I admire and respect enough to want to give my very best effort. If I wanted to work my butt off for someone who always expected more and never appreciated the effort, I’d still be in a corporate job somewhere, enjoying security but not fulfillment.
I’m not alone in my independent attitude. I suspect there are many who hate me and those like me for where I am; not because they want to be here, but because they don’t have the courage to take the gigantic risk I took. Not everyone is cut out to break the mold. The world would be chaotic if everyone did. There’s truly a need for those who are happy, or at least content to do the same job day after day without having to call the shots or make tough decisions. I, for one have a lot of respect for those who are able to do that. It would, and did drive me batshit crazy.
The world needs leaders and followers. It needs independent sorts and people who’d rather be told what to do and where to do it. There are plenty of opportunities no matter where you fall on the spectrum, even if your place is completely off-grid, living in a cabin in the woods. As I see it, there’s a place for all sorts to be supported and nurtured, or to do the supporting and nurturing. The most important thing is to figure out what makes you happy; where you want to be on the spectrum, then figure out how to get there.
Jumping Off a Few Cliffs
My choice has taken me to some scary places, some of which are still close by. It would be easy 
to give up and farm myself out to some temp agency as I have in the past (at nearly 65, I seriously doubt anyone would hire me full-time anyway).
At this stage in my life, I’m unwilling to give up my hard fought independence, or the comparatively abnormal work schedule I enjoy. It’s not unusual to see me flitting hither and yon during the day; running errands, going to the gym, visiting friends…then sitting in my office in the dark pounding away at the keys because I get so engrossed in what I was doing I don’t notice the sun went down hours ago.
To be honest, I couldn’t work a 9 to 5 again if my life depended on it. I’d find another way first. Thankfully, I have resources and continue to take care of myself. I am able to enjoy social activities, even if some are less abundant than my friends. Still, I’m doing what I enjoy doing without significant limitations. (That Alaskan cruise will have to wait. However, I’m not a fan of being away from home and my cats for more than a few days, so perhaps it’s for the best.)
Everything in its Time
I won’t say I don’t have lots of things I’d like to do right now, but have put on hold. The point is, I put them on hold by choice. I’m focusing my attention on gaining attention and building strong, resilient relationships based on relate-ability and trust. A lot of that means working on myself.
I write as if I was someone else, so I have to be able to relate to who they are and the challenges they face. I can’t do that if I don’t face my own dark side, or uncover the sunshine and rainbows I kept buried for so long.
Right now, I can look back to the 6+ years ago when I made the decision to leave my steady paycheck and chosen career path for something completely different. I’m not the woman I was then, nor has it been, in my opinion, a step backwards. I continue to move forward into a brave, new world of my own creation. It isn’t retirement, and it is not for the faint of heart, or the ones who want and need security. Isn’t it wonderful we all have choices, and don’t have to be cookie cutter versions of each other?
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri 
believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author. And check out her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.
