Reading the Room as an Introvert: Just Listen

Social Acuity for the Introvert

A question came up recently in one of my Facebook groups about reading a room, aka “social acuity”. I found the responses interesting as they came from people of all different personality types, from those who can start a conversation with anyone to people like me who prefer to merge with the wallpaper in a room full of people they don’t know. Most, of course, fell somewhere in the middle, as is always the case. The extremes may be well represented, but still remain the minority.

Admittedly, there are others far less social than me. At least I do well in groups where:

A. I have something in common with the rest of the attendees, or

B. I know at least a couple of people there, or

C. There are animals or books I can interact with while keeping myself isolated.

Granted, the last might make me appear anti-social, but no less so than if I’m standing in a corner clutching a drink to my chest like it’s my only lifeline and I’m sinking fast.

Remove the Labels and Listen With Your Mind, Heart, and Body

What it really comes down to, I think, isn’t so much how introverted or extroverted you are, but how well you can step into a room and allow your senses to open so you can read the energy in the room, and the overall friendliness of the people therein.

After that, it’s the ability to stand either in a conversation group or on the outskirts of several and simply listen to what’s being said, and listen to connect rather than listening to contribute. That’s where I’ve gone astray on more than one occasion.

I’m learning it isn’t always about whether you have something to contribute, but whether you can listen to someone else actively, allowing what they’re saying to be what’s important in the moment. While listening to their words and keeping our own opinions out of the process, we give ourselves a chance to gauge not only where they stand on whatever topic they can contribute to, but how they honestly feel about what they’re saying.

Body Language

This may seem rather far-fetched, or, to use the term du jour, “woo woo”, but it certainly isn’t a new idea. Back in the 60’s and 70’s, there was a lot of talk about body language and how it could confirm or negate a person’s words, determine their interest in the conversation or the people around them, and a host of other “tells”. But the body is really just the tip of the iceberg.

We all give off energy. Not all of it is strictly positive or negative. Much of it is simply levels; strong or weak, heavy or light, assertive or submissive. The list goes on, but I think you get the picture.

By listening not only to the words, but to the way they’re spoken, the volume of the voice, the intensity, and the way they hold their body while speaking, we can learn a lot about a person without saying a word or asking a single question.

Active Listening

In the 90’s I took a first-line manager’s course. One of the hot topics at that time was “active listening”.

In hindsight, I think they were on the right track, but left out half the equation. The focus was on simply paying attention to a person while they were speaking without letting your thoughts drift to your shopping list, an upcoming parent-teacher conference, a fight with your spouse, or anything else which took you away from the speaker. What it didn’t address was listening to the way the person spoke, what words and subjects they emphasized, and how they held their body at various parts of the dialogue. And it definitely didn’t address the woo woo aspect, which would entail tapping into their energy body.

I know I’m heavily impacted by both the energy level in a room and what is coming off a person I’m either talking or listening to. In fact, that was part of my response to the social acuity question. As an Empath, I tend to be overwhelmed in a crowd, not by the bodies or the noise level, but by all of the energies mixing and swirling around me. Everyone in the room has stuff going on in their lives. Some mask it better than others. I’ve known a few who are completely unreadable because they’ve walled their feelings and energy up tightly.

Filtering Out Those Who Over Share

Alcohol does loosen up many, which is not so much an asset as a liability, in my opinion. It tends to cause people to stop filtering the painful energies, even while thinking they’re still controlling what other people see and hear. They think they’re throwing off an image of happiness, and carefree abandon, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Those of us who feel rather than depending on sight and sound gauge their moods all too well, often better than we’d like. Thus, a gathering where alcohol is flowing freely is detrimental to our capacity for social acuity. We’re overwhelmed and looking for the aforementioned corner after only a few minutes.

There may not be an app for that yet, but there are ways we can and do manage the energy transfer so we can wade through the morass of free-flowing feelings until we find a conversational group where we can, if not contribute, at least actively listen. The filtering process, in my opinion, not only protects us from the emotional shit storm, but protects those who are unwittingly oversharing, especially if we exercise a bit of selflessness with our filtering.

Creating Balance

I’ve learned with a bit of extra effort, I can help people keep some of those overshared feelings to themselves by building a bit of an energetic wall around them. Granted, I don’t do it often, and could probably be more generous about it, but it’s kind of like a song currently popular on Country radio stations: “Take a Drunk Girl Home” by Chris Janson. Instead of allowing a person to give away too much, I and others like me can leave them with some of their dignity intact until they can work through whatever is making them emote indiscriminately.

As I write, I realize how important it is to use all of our senses, all of our skills, no matter how underdeveloped we think they are, in navigating situations where we might not be comfortable at first. We all have the potential to read a room and be drawn towards what will not only do us the most good, but will allow us to be of service as well.

We have to be willing to retrain ourselves to some degree though. The conversation starters have to learn when to listen. The listeners have to learn when to contribute. Those who feel everyone else’s energy need to learn when to drop their own shields and let others get a reading on them. In short, we all can learn to be a little less in some areas and more in others. It’s called balance.

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author. And check out her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.

Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming release of “Life Torn Asunder: Rebuilding After Suicide”.