Dare I Embark on Another NaNo?
Do or do not. There is no try. — Yoda, “Star Wars, Episode V”
By the time you read this, I’ll have answered a question I spent months running through my head.
Do I want to add another unfinished novel to my collection?
Could I trust that another idea would come to me, fully formed in time for the November 1 start date?
Would I be able to get the requisite 50,000 words written with the impending birth of my daughter’s twins which could and would happen sometime in November? While at my daughter’s house? Helping with her new babies?
Addressing the Doubts and Fears
At the moment, I don’t merely have lingering doubts. I have a total lack of confidence that I’ll be 
able to fulfill the obligation to myself. It’s fueled by the realization I haven’t written a single word of fiction; a single story aside from blog posts and articles for myself and others for several years. I’ve edited. I’ve rewritten. But to compose something new from scratch? It’s more daunting now than it was in 2013 when my daughter Heather pushed me into doing my first NaNo. I suspect she could still kick my fears and doubts to the curb now, but she has more pressing issues on her mind at the moment, as her twins could show up pretty much any time now.
It’s as if my latent imposter syndrome is in rare form, tossing obstacles in my path willy-nilly, knowing it has the upper hand, and reveling in the power. Clearly I’m not in a position to ward off those attacks as my confidence is at an all-time low, despite current small but significant successes. The simple fact I’ve moved so far away from fiction writing is probably my biggest deterrent to beginning again. Yet deep down inside, there’s a part of me begging to be allowed to create instead of what amounts to spewing words on the page from my own thoughts and feelings lately.
Even this article is coming together slowly. It took me three days to get back to it after writing the first couple of paragraphs, and I’m fighting to keep from allowing anything and everything to distract me from following it to completion. ADD is fighting for position with procrastination, and the million and three things I could be looking at or working on.
I lost an hour or so doing research and refreshing my brain for what may or may not turn into a new accounting client, and am struggling to keep my fingers on the keys instead of checking email, social media, or package delivery. Fortunately, there’s still a small part of me that wants to get this written, and is telling the others, Relax. It can wait. We have the whole day ahead of us, and half the night too, if we want it.
What if You Fly?
It’s a tough fight today. My distraction level is lower than normal, which further convinces me 
another journey through NaNo isn’t a good idea. But still… I truly want to write another story, even if it’s a short one. I know nothing else forced me to actually start like NaNo. I even have people who are ready and willing to form a supportive tribe. So why the hell not?
It reminds me of the girl who asked her mother, “But what if I fail?”
The creative, adventurous, fearless side of me is practically screaming, “What if you succeed beyond your wildest dreams? You’ll never know unless you try.” Hence the quote with which I began this post. I know if and when I do another NaNo, there will be no “try”, but only “do”. To be honest, I already have one failed NaNo under my belt. Been there, done that, and don’t intend to repeat the experience. If I accept the challenge, I’ll see it through to the end. All 50,000 plus words, which means I’ll ultimately go on to finish the draft, and add another to my collection.
Yes, I have a semi-complete version of Sasha’s Journey on Chapter Buzz right now. It still needs work, and I’ve yet to return to it, much less come close to my latest completion schedule for Rebuilding After Suicide. I think that’s what is holding me back most effectively. I have trouble completing what I started. I get mired in fear and self-doubt, and stop in my tracks instead of pushing forward and actually succeeding. I’ve long suspected my fear isn’t of failing, but of succeeding, and all the changes it would bring into my life.
Navigating Change
This year has been one of tremendous changes. I’ve weathered them, adapted, and thrived (I 
learned long ago that simply surviving isn’t enough). A song lyric just popped into my head after typing that:
If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you New York, New York.
Sung by Frank Sinatra, it’s one of those ultimate confidence songs, at least to me. Maybe I relate a little because when my writing career takes off, I’ll visit New York at some point, maybe to promote, or meet with a publisher, but definitely to tick “see a Broadway show” off my bucket list. Maybe that’s the key to my fears and reticence. If I focus on end results instead of the process; if I focus on getting to do things I’m only dreaming of right now, perhaps the fears and doubts will subside and I can start crafting a story again with an actual plot, multi-faceted characters, and challenges more complicated than the boiler plate ones on my favorite guilty pleasure, Hallmark movies.
It’s a funny thing about sitting down to write, even if it’s a blog post. It’s a place to air whatever is bothering me, holding me back, or making me shake in the shoes I seldom wear these days. Writing has always been the place where I find my wandering sanity and reel in all the crazies. It’s where I bring my mountains back down to size and realize most are little more than a hill of beans my over-active imagination blew up into a volcano birthing an island.
Success Depends on a Full Schedule
There’s a strong possibility I’ll take another whack at NaNo this year, if only to prove to myself I still have the chops to stick to a tight writing schedule. Heaven knows I’ve been wobbly on that topic lately as my blog schedule has slipped back from 4 weeks to 3, and even then, I’m only hitting it by the skin of my teeth.
One thing I’ve learned about myself in all the years I’ve been me is the busier I am, the more I get done. Recently, I’ve also learned I’m allowed to focus on one task at a time instead of trying to jump from one to the other like an over-caffeinated squirrel. In so doing, I get more done on all of my tasks. It’s a lot like the times I was able to work from home when I was gainfully employed. I got more done in 4 hours at home than I did in 8 hours at work because I was able to focus on the task at hand without interruption.
Even now, I can and do choose to put my phone on DND, close the tabs to my social media accounts, and decide when I’ll check email. If I want to do NaNo again this year, those lessons will have to be reactivated and used religiously. Else, trying to keep my blog posts scheduled a month in advance, Medium posts scheduled, writing for the 2 publications regularly, and all client work completed ahead of schedule as is my wont won’t happen. Instead, I’ll psych myself out with overwhelm. The thing is, I know I have what it takes to do it all. The only thing lacking right now is focus, and that’s truly a function of both corralling my fears, and regaining the confidence I allowed to languish through several disappointments.
It all starts with remembering everything happens for a reason.
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri 
believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.
If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author. And check out her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.
