Dreams Never Truly Die
Nine years ago, I did something most would consider, at the very least, ill-advised, and probably foolhardy. I quit a job with a steady paycheck and benefits to chase my dreams, and pursue a career that had nothing to do with what I’d spent 30 years of my life doing. Not just doing, but learning, growing and progressing both in knowledge and skills, and financially as well. I did so with no idea how I was going to replace the income, or even a small percentage. Yet, I knew it was something I had to do, for my mental health, if nothing else.
A month before I escaped the rat race for good, I participated in my first NaNoWriMo, which yielded the as yet unpublished “Sasha’s Journey”. The next two years yielded “A Dubious Gift”, and “Hannah’s Chair”, both unedited and unpublished. They weren’t my first forays into the literary world, nor will they be my last, though a great deal of time has passed since I began a new project.
Nearly 30 years ago, I wrote the first draft of “Frederick the Gentlemouse” for my then-five-year-old daughters, basing it on a drawing of a an elegant, if well-fed mouse in a waistcoat drawn by an artist neighbor to celebrate my daughters’ birth. But my most ambitious project began in 2009, in a hotel overlooking the city of Sedona. It’s when I finally took matters into my own hands, taking the first steps on a journey destined to end only when I shut my computer down for the last time (I’m hoping that won’t be in the foreseeable future).
Embark On The Journey Your Dreams Dictate
The journey on which I embarked Mother’s Day weekend in 2009 began as a healing journey, but as time has passed, and I finished the draft, and two rewrites so far, became more a journey of self-discovery, and release. The resulting 80,000 words or so was originally meant as a place to release over 40 years of firmly packed baggage stuffed into a pitifully small space inside my heart. As the years passed, I started using my blog, as well as the manuscript as a way to share the journey sooner, and to reach people who struggled as I did with losing a loved one by suicide.
In the beginning, I had lofty dreams of supporting myself as a writer, casting aside my experience and education as an accountant. As you might expect, it didn’t happen that way. In fact, had it not been for various pockets of funds, now long-depleted, I’d have likely returned to the afore-mentioned rat race with my tail between my legs, tossing aside the writing as easily as I’d done the 30-year career.
Call it blind luck, a few accidentally wise choices, Universal intervention, or a combination of all three, but I’ve managed to stay afloat even when astronomical vet bills struck three times in the ensuing years. I managed to make the pockets of funds last until I could start collecting Social Security (another Universal intervention, I believe), though there were times I cringed at the sight of my credit card bills. I’m one who likes things paid off every month, so running them up rattled my carefully constructed, yet remarkably unstable castle to its foundation.
Every Step is Important to the Journey
Though it wasn’t clear at the time, even the financial struggles were part of the evolution I’d begun when I first made the decision to jump ship, and turn my sails in a different direction. It wasn’t even the first time my life turned upside down before righting itself again at a sometimes distant point in the future. It took awhile this time too, but never once did I give up on my dreams.
I may not be writing as prolifically now as I have at times, and the memoir is still in the cloud in various iterations, including the last which saw it broken into separate files by chapter. The idea was to rewrite each chapter, then reassemble it into a more logical order. The one it’s in currently is essentially stream of consciousness, as it’s simply in the order I wrote it, healing all the way.
As I’ve learned, grown, healed, and become more self-aware, the title has changed along with the chapters. Some chapters won’t even make the final cut. Even now, I’m wondering if it’s time to revisit the title again, and change it from “Rebuilding After Suicide” to simply, “Healing All the Way”. Time will tell.
Writing From the Heart
By now, you might be wondering where this post is going, and I’ll admit, when I sat down at the computer, I wasn’t entirely sure myself. As often happens, the writing had to come before the point, which is this. You’ll change direction many times throughout your life. Some changes will be relatively minor; jobs, marriages, divorces, child birth, relationships; things most people consider life-changing events.
The real life-changing events don’t involve other people. When you decide to do a deep dive into your own psyche, releasing what no longer serves you, feeling old feelings so you can free up space in your heart, allowing yourself to heal from past trauma, both personal, and familial—that’s when you truly turn a corner, and alter your life’s trajectory.
Through it all; the hard times, and the easy ones, the highs, and the lows, there’s only one person who stays with you through it all. And that person deserves to hold onto their dreams, no matter what happens, or where the road takes you. It doesn’t mean the dreams remain the same small, kernel you birthed early in your life. Like an acorn, they grow into larger, grander versions of their original selves. They grows stronger for the storms they’ve weathered, and the adversity they survived. But if you dig deep down, the dreams are still there.
Dreams Grow Stronger Through Adversity
Life will try to smother the flames, but if they’re truly the dreams you want, you’ll protect them from harm, and nurture them through the lean, and stormy times.
My biggest dream from an early age was to be a writer. I even announced it to my fourth grade class. It sat on the back burner for too many years, waiting patiently while I evolved, and learned to let go of the things that don’t matter. I may neglect it at times, but I fan the flame more consistently now. I’ve also learned my dream doesn’t have to stand alone on a desert island, but instead, thrives best when surrounded by challenges, other dreams, and most of all, variety.
When my life stagnates, so does my writing. When my life gets interesting and exciting, I can’t keep my fingers off the keys, or in a pinch, from picking up a pen and scribbling on any available surface.
Manifest Dreams for the Right Reasons
Your dreams grow stronger when tempered by life’s trials. They go from a wisp of air and dust particles to a solid structure because of the times you get frustrated, or lose hope and brush them aside. They know you’ll come back to them when the time is right, so they wait patiently.
Most of all, your dreams aren’t about the fame or the fortune. If either or both happen to attach themselves to the manifestation, so be it. But the end all, and be all of your dreams is to not only achieve them, but to build on them, and turn those wisps into 5-dimensional structures both architecturally sound, and resilient.
I’ve chased my dreams for decades, putting them aside over and over, only to pull them out again when I was ready to make some changes in my life. I had to let go of the idea they’d sustain my lifestyle, and simply follow them because they’re the very essence of my being. Everything else finds a way of working out, as long as I keep believing in myself, in my dreams, and in my worthiness to achieve them. Yours will too.
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri 
believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.
If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.
