Clearing Our Plates of the Crud From Our Past
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past year or so talking to people who’s earliest memories are of things no child, or frankly, no adult should ever have to experience, much less carry around. The horrors inflicted on children every day, even in “civilized” countries is beyond our worst imaginings, and unconscionable.
Many of those children grow up to be broken adults, perhaps stuffing those early experiences down where they think they’ll stay put (though I can attest from my own less horrific experiences, they never do). Others are using those early traumas to help others. But before that can happen, they need to clear their own plates so to speak.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t, at one time or another, say they have a lot on their plate. What I don’t think most of us realize is the plate is never clean. We go through life piling experiences on our plates, taking a few off, but replacing them with more. From the massive To-Do list many of us insist on carrying, to life experiences, to hopes and dreams—it’s all there.
A Clean Start to A Stronger Foundation
We unwittingly pile the good on top of the bad, effectively sealing in things we’d be better off scraping and scrubbing away. Some of the stuff we carry around is contributing to a shaky foundation, leaving us to wonder why we can never quite make the structure of our lives stable. People spend thousands of dollars every year trying to figure out what to me has suddenly become blindingly obvious. Slowly, and often laboriously, they pay others to help them peel away layers of emotional sludge, looking for the beautifully patterned plate at the bottom of it all which is the pure, sweet soul of themselves.
Whether the person helping is called a coach, a mentor, or a therapist, the goal is the same, though I’m not sure everyone who hangs out a shingle realizes the enormity of the task they’ve taken on. Most of us constantly struggle with letting go of what no longer serves us. The idea of cleaning our plate completely in order to form memories and habits which no longer connect to the tragedies and traumas we began to accumulate with our earliest memories is frightening at best. The accumulation is so thick and fossilized, and the memories so ugly, we don’t look closely enough to see it’s riddled with holes like Swiss cheese, and about as stable.
Sifting Through the Memories We Unearth
Still, we’re offered opportunities to pull those old pieces out, pore over them, reliving the pain and the joy every day of our lives. Sometimes the voices making the offers are soft and gentle, almost apologetic. Most of the time we either don’t hear them, or don’t feel they’re worth our attention. Others, they might be what I call a Universal head slap which means we’d better pay attention or the consequences could not only be dire, but painful.
Most of the time, the suggestions for cleaning our internal house are somewhere between the two. We often follow the advice that’s more than subtle but less than blatant, not because we think it’s particularly good advice, but because we think it’s our own idea.
Memories Which Bring the Past to Our Present
My earliest musical memories are filled with artists like Peter, Paul, and Mary, Simon and Garfunkel, Elton 
John, the Mamas and the Papas, Arlo Guthrie, and Jim Croce. I could fill this post with many other names, but I think you get my drift. They wrote songs we’d later examine in high school English classes along with other poets like Shelley, Brown, and the like.
When I listen now, my ear is more discerning and aware because of the experiences in high school. I hear the elements of the drug culture, the desire for peace and harmony, the feelings of sorrow and loss on a global scale, and the disconnectedness we felt even before electronics took over our lives. Yet I also hear my childhood, my teenage years, my early twenties; years when beliefs and attitudes were formed, not only about what I saw outside myself, but more importantly, what I learned to stuff down deep inside, where much of it stayed for 40 years and more.
Like those who have suffered unimaginable traumas, clearing my own plate and strengthening my foundation depends on pulling those memories back out, with finding the triggers and disarming them.
Finding the Lessons From Our Past Hiding in the Pain
Growth depends on figuring out why we hit a wall when things seem to be going so well, and forward progress seemed unstoppable. It requires us to be brutally honest with ourselves, something not everyone is equipped to do, be it by nature or circumstance. Thus, the coach/mentor/therapist is an essential part of their growth.
For others, though I’ve learned we only get so far outside our personal caves, the process begins more simply. It might be listening to the old songs and acknowledging the feelings and thoughts that arise. It might be cleaning out a closet or an old jewelry box. Or it might be writing about feelings we can’t or won’t share with anyone else. Often, it’s a combination of these, and the discovery of tools and gifts we hadn’t realized we possessed.
Eventually, we come out of those caves and unconsciously seek out the perspective of people we’ve learned to respect because no matter how much we write, or observe, or dissect, we need another set of less prejudiced eyes to show us what we’re missing. More often than not, it’s blatantly obvious, if we didn’t have so much crud on our plates obscuring our view. It’s also surprising when we discover how easily the crud brushes away once we release the attachments which held them in place for so long.
Every Trauma Has a Purpose
We’re given the traumas we experience for a reason, though rarely do we see that while we’re in the midst of them, nor long after for that matter. Some never see a reason for the crap life threw at them. Others shuck it off easily and create a life by their own rules without restrictions. However we get there, letting go has to be the first step in the process.
For analytical types like me, part of letting go is reaching some kind of understanding with our demons. They are a part of our past and a fundamental aspect of our nature, like it or not. Without the unpleasant and even horrific experiences we would not be the person we are, nor have the tools we picked up along the way whether we were aware of it or not.
Analyze, Understand, and Release
But those demons, those traumas, those survival mechanisms are part of us. In my case, I have to “run the numbers”, making sure I get every ounce of value out of them before either releasing or annihilating them. More often than not, my analysis determines their fate.
Sure, the analysis often goes on far longer than necessary, and that’s where another set of eyes comes in handy. Showing us the way, though, is not always enough. So some of us add a few personal butt kickers to our circle of friends and mentors; people who aren’t afraid to tell us (as one former boss used to say) “shit or get off the pot”. It’s all too easy to get stuck in a loop of over-analyzing, with the unconscious but very clear intention of staying in our own safe zone.
You Were Born to Be Great at Something
Great works are not created in the safe zone.
This may surprise you, but we are all meant to create something great. That doesn’t mean we all have to 
shake the world. Every ripple has the power to reach out and trigger other ripples. Without the ripples we are meant to create, others can’t happen. Think of it as the oft-mentioned “Butterfly Effect”.
We all have not only the opportunity, but the ability to turn our traumas and challenges into triumphs. But I don’t know of any who’ve done so alone. Whether you reach out at the beginning of your journey from cocoon to butterfly, somewhere in the middle, or just prior to hatching, there comes a point where you need to shift perspective. A butterfly can’t crawl around on the ground like a caterpillar. It probably wouldn’t survive more than a few hours if it tried.
Living a Life Well is a Team Effort
When we change our perspective, we often need help deciphering some of the new information, or we may, like a baby bird, simply need to be pushed out of the nest in order to try our own wings. Sometimes, we also need a bit of what someone else has already learned to augment what we both know and are discovering. Call it a jump start on the learning curve, if you will, a boost that gets us past some of the boring technical stuff and right into the meat of the matter.
Wherever we go, whatever we do, the directions we choose, the windows we open will depend on two things. How much we’re willing to jettison and how soon we realize the need for perspectives outside our own myopic view of the world.
Life is not a race, and it is not a solo event. We’re all in this one together, and we ain’t getting out of it alive. When we work together, we build something strong, sustainable, and which can evolve as we add more knowledge and creativity to the mix. Working on ourselves is no different.
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, Virtual Assistant and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws 
of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. She specializes in creating content that helps entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming release of “Life Torn Asunder: Rebuilding After Suicide”.
