The Changing Face of My Publishing Agenda
In a month, it’ll be 2 years I’ve been publishing a post every Sunday without fail in this space. It may not seem like much until you consider I’ve been publishing every Wednesday and Friday on my blog for about a year and a half, as well as keeping up with client work, book rewrites, and so much more. Yet I look at my project board and still manage to ask myself why I’m not doing more. Why am I not doing Nano this year, or writing short fiction, or actually finishing one of my 5 works-in-progress?
I tell myself the answer is complicated. Maybe it is. Maybe if it was simple I’d have finished at least one book and started on the road to publication. What I do know is success scares the crap out of me, as much as I want to see my name on the cover of a book, or on the TEDx schedule. Each step I’ve taken, even in the last year has taken me further outside my comfort zone.
I don’t think my comfort zone of 12 short months ago even exists today. But I’ve replaced it with a new one; one with different boundaries; different parameters. Because of all the steps I’ve taken, I know better than to beat myself up over what I have yet to accomplish. I know I have to crawl before I can walk, walk before I can run, and run before I can fly. I won’t make changes to everything at the same pace either.
Embracing Evolution
Part of the reason progress is slower than I’d like is I’m spending a lot more time outside my 4 
walls than I used to, “peopling”. I’m going to new places and experiencing new things with little to no prompting. I’m learning to find topics of common interest with new people and strike up interesting conversations which take into consideration my loathing for small talk. I’m even learning to let people inside my personal bubble for hugs; many of which I initiate myself!
I recognized subconsciously that in order to achieve my dreams of being a published author and a TED speaker, I had to overcome a lifetime of aversion to crowds, being in the spotlight, and interacting with strangers. It’s not something I could accomplish in giant leaps.
Thus, there are times when my writing might seem to take a back seat to my evolution as a human being. It isn’t that I’m not making progress. I’m simply progressing in a different direction. Still, I’ve been itchy lately. Feeling like I need to produce some new fiction rather than rewriting what I’ve already done, or generating blog posts.
Maintaining Momentum Amidst Changing Priorities
It doesn’t mean those things have to come to a screeching, grinding halt. I’ve set some good habits, and like my daily walks and thrice-weekly gym visits, have no intention of losing the momentum I’ve worked so hard to set. But my days have hours which are currently unproductive, at least in my eyes. Some of them could easily be filled with more writing, especially since I’ve finally found a way to fool myself into getting up earlier.
It isn’t like I haven’t learned how to start a new project. I’m not the type to map a story out, so the only thing I need to do to get a story started is to start; to sit down at the computer, put my phone on DND, turn on the Pandora station I use to write, and let my fingers fly. More often than not, it’s how I write my 3 blog posts a week, and even get started on work for clients. I might have a general idea of the topic, but know I do my best work when I get out of the way and let my subconscious take the wheel.
In truth, I have reams of story ideas in my morning pages. My dreams are typically vivid, and the most memorable ones end up there at some point. If I can’t find something in the 9 ½ 5-subject spiral notebooks I’ve filled in the last few years, there’s always my notebook of writing prompts, or the legion of topics I’ve typed into the Notes app on my phone.
Acknowledging Fears and Moving Past Them
I’d like to think I’m not unlike many creative types who’ve spent years creating for their own 
eyes only. There are fears to overcome, and an inner critic to learn will never act in my best interests. Sometimes I can take giant leaps outside my comfort zone, while others require the caution used when adjusting to the cooler temperatures and potential undertow of a wild, yet tantalizing sea.
I dip a toe in, find the water bone-chilling, and draw back. Yet the ebb and flow; the snowy froth beckon me forward, promising new and exciting sensations. I try again. Finding the water slightly less frigid now that I know what to expect, I venture further; up to my ankles. The cold drives me back again, but still I’m tempted. I know it’s a matter of adjusting to the new temperature now I’m over the initial shock. The water feels so good swirling around my feet; burying my toes in the soft sand.
Eventually, I wade in to my waist and stand there, allowing the waves to buffet me back and forth as the tide flows in and out. I dig my toes deeper into the sand to keep my balance. I allow myself to become distracted; lulled by the hypnotic rhythm until a bigger wave knocks me over and I get a face full of salt water. Maybe it knocks the wind out of me and I return to the shore to recover; allowing the gentle breeze, the warm sunlight, and the salty, fishy sea scents to soothe me.
The sea beckons me back, and though I might move more cautiously this time, remaining alert for larger waves, I push past my fears and venture back in, maybe a little further than the last time until I become comfortable in deeper waters. My deeper waters are the new boundaries of my comfort zone. They’re the people and places I frequent more and more easily. Even those I have moved away from are part of those new boundaries. They may no longer suit me, but they were stepping stones that gave me the confidence to try something new and different.
Acknowledging Growth Outside the Comfort Zone
When I look back at where I was a year ago; 2 years ago; 6—I see my writing has been an integral part of my growth, but would have stagnated had I not made changes in other parts of my life. I see it in the rewrites I’m doing, not only of my memoir, but my first novel.
I see it in the way I’ve become almost rigidly consistent with my blog posts; working further and further ahead. I see it in my ability to sit down even when I have no idea what I’m going to write, and by the time I look up, I have 1,000 words or more which aren’t half bad, at least from where I sit, even when I’m certain they will be when I re-read them later.
In retrospect, the biggest step I’ve taken outside what’s left of my old comfort zone is to become less critical of myself. I’m OK with believing something I wrote is reasonably good now. There was a time not so long ago when I convinced myself I was delusional and no one would like what I wrote but me. I’d tell my daughter she was being kind when she praised something I wrote.
I’m learning to accept those compliments with humility still, but I accept and even believe them now. I’m working on believing strangers will enjoy the words I cobble together too, and sometimes, I’m able to. Until I can completely overcome that reticence, I suspect I’ll continue to get in my own way as far as writing more, or getting what’s already written ready to publish.
Living a More Confident Life
It takes a lot of confidence, or maybe it’s fearlessness to put the words I’ve penned out into the 
world. In some ways, it’s harder than it was to let go and allow my daughter to move away and get on with her own life. At least I feel some level of confidence I sent her off with a decent complement of tools with which to meet some of the unkindness she’d encounter out in the world. I feel like what I’ve written goes out an unprotected babe subject to harsher, less forgiving conditions than my adult child.
I know I imagine far worse than the reality, and at some point, will learn to let go knowing no matter how harsh the criticism might be, my “babies” will survive. In truth, I didn’t write any of them to change the world significantly. Most were written simply to entertain. I often say, If I can impact a single person with my words, I’ll consider myself successful. I can honestly say I’ve impacted more than one with my blogs, if the feedback I’ve received is any indication. At this point, I have to figure out what’s still standing in my way; what fear I’ve yet to overcome, and conquer it the way I’ve conquered so much in the last few years.
Most of all, I have to remember I am not alone. I have the most amazing support system in friends and family who encourage me every day. The longer I drag my heels about publishing and writing new stories, the more I’m failing to show my appreciation for their unflagging support. Maybe that’s they key to it all. Is it really that simple?
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri 
believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author. And check out her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.
