Break Outdated Patterns With Flexibility

Flexibility Eases Change

In this roller coaster ride I call life, and particularly, my new and improved career path, the one constant I’ve found to keep myself sane is flexibility. Without it, I’ve fought against changes which didn’t seem to fit my plan, railed against losses and failures, and gotten stuck time after time.

When I remember to be flexible, and that the Universe is much better at filling in the blanks, and mapping the details than I, life proceeds more gracefully, and with fewer bumps in the road. I’m tossed on my butt less frequently, and am able to see the often minuscule progress drawing me inexorably to my wildest dreams and most extravagant goals.

Honestly, flexibility was one of the many lessons I had to learn from scratch before I could make noticeable progress. I come from a place where beating your head against a brick wall was raised to an art form; where a singular goal was mortared into the brain until it became the sole direction, no matter how difficult the road. In fact, my ancestors seemed to believe the harder the road you traveled, the more successful you would become…someday.

The First Step Towards Change is an Open Heart

Thankfully, I learned the first step in achieving those grandiose dreams is detaching from old, outdated beliefs. They’re the greatest hindrance to a life based on change, and evolution because old beliefs demand total devotion. Though I didn’t realize it as a child, or even most of my adult years, I was an outcast; a black sheep for a reason. Part of my journey would be breaking old patterns, and flexibility would be my closest ally.

Though I wouldn’t have admitted it if the words had been scrawled on my bathroom mirror in fluorescent orange lipstick, I was never responsible for all the changes. There were others in my family who would also break free from the shackles of expectations, and forge roads of their own—separately from me.

Our lives would take different routes, and likely cross at one point or another before haring off in different directions again. But the torn and tattered fabric of our family’s often dangerous beliefs would be unraveled, burnt, and shredded to make room for new, healthier beliefs. One thing’s for sure, it isn’t the work of a single generation.

For decades, I felt stuck, but worse, I felt I was adrift with nowhere to call home; no one to turn to if my rickety raft broke apart, threatening to dump me into an unforgiving sea with only my own arms and legs to save my life. It was actually a blessing when the raft finally disintegrated, as it forced me to learn flexibility in coming up with a new plan of action as far removed from what I knew as possible.

Vulnerability Paves the Way

The first hard and fast rule I learned to break was the one dictating never asking for help. It lived in an unholy marriage with the one that said vulnerability was dangerous. Chipping away slowly at both while desperately treading water and trying to keep my head above the waves often seemed like an exercise in futility.

Little did I know at the time, I was closer to shore than I thought. I had only to open up eyes blinded by generations of fear and misconceptions to see the help I needed; the lifeline being tossed to me.

The day I opened up one of my many wounds, and allowed others to see it was downright terrifying, yet it came with a feeling of blessed relief. Perhaps I only showed something close to the surface that day, but it opened up a world I never knew existed where I could share some of my worst traumas; some of the deepest damage, and know there were people who not only understood, but related. Better still, they were ready and willing to help me learn flexibility so I could shed a skin that no longer fit, and  grow into the person I was meant to become.

Ripping Off Familial Blinders

Though we may share experiences, each of the people in my life I now call family are at different places in their own journey through the fire meant to temper them. As such, they help me as much as I help them, and vice versa. In some ways, I’ve shed more of the old skin, in part because of my writing, and in part because I’d grown tired of bonds not of my creation. In others, my stubbornness is holding me back. Overall they’ve allowed me to learn and grow, and let old habits and beliefs fall away.

I’ve also learned the similarities aren’t in the experience as much as they are in the beliefs we had to shed, the flexibility we’ve learned, and the way we managed trauma. Then again, it also made me see things I’d intentionally blinded myself to. It wasn’t until I found myself connecting with an inordinate number of child abuse victims I recognized a pattern in my life I’d chosen to ignore. In fact, I told myself a story about how experiencing family suicide made me more understanding, and less judgemental when it came to any kind of emotional trauma.

While it may be true that opening up about my own challenges made me more accessible to people who had also been holding a lot of things in most of their lives, the connections and stories they shared ripped away the blinders I’d worn because, like my mother before me, I desperately needed to believe someone loved me for who I was. Once I recognized the emotional abuse I’d accepted as normal, I was able to start detaching from it, and most important, what I’d allowed it to do to me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Misplaced Trust

The biggest lesson to come out of my revelations was beginning to understand, and accept my parents for who and what they were. They gave me as much as they were capable of giving. If some of it turned out to be abusive or neglectful, it was learned by the examples of their own parents. Such behavior was normalized in the microcosm of their own societal circle. Yet until others shared their own abusive experiences, I continued to accept that same normalcy.

Perhaps it’s why so many are isolated by constrictive, outdated beliefs, and characterize flexibility alongside demonic behavior. Societal groups fear change more than anything because challenging those beliefs weakens their carefully woven fabric. The more group members share their stories with others outside the insulated circle, the more they learn how they’re treated, and what they believe is anything but normal. In fact, in any other group, they’d be considered evil, cruel, or immoral, instead of meant to protect.

I think one of the fallacies I uncovered was the one saying parents have to love their children. It’s not that so many don’t, but they don’t know how. Generations of training have all but broken the connection of hearts that’s initiated in the womb.

Misconceptions about how to give a child the tools they need to survive, and the untrustworthiness of other humans creates closed off, defensive children who grow up believing the world is out to get them if they don’t keep their guard up, not just with strangers, but with their own family members. As adults, they lack the flexibility to detach from beliefs they inherited rather than initiated.

Forging New, More Forgiving Beliefs

The greatest gift I received by disconnecting from beliefs I’d been taught was gaining a community that thrives on sharing life’s ups and downs, and helping each other over the rough spots. I’m no longer expected to be perfect and stoic. Instead, vulnerability, authenticity, and honest emotions are celebrated; are rewarded.

My biggest hope is the progress made by me and others from my generation will be carried on by my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren until no one ever again feels like they have to fight for a crumb of love, or hide their flaws from the world in the mistaken belief it will keep them safe.

As parents themselves, I want them to be free to love their children openly and honestly, and to praise not only their successes, but the many times they’ll fall and get back up. Successes are great, but it’s in the falling and rising we learn our most important lessons.

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author.

Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.