Attract Quality Over Quantity
After more than 10 years of blogging, I don’t have a very large platform, and that’s on me. I haven’t put in the time and effort to attract and build one of the larger ones. The people who do follow me, however, are loyal and consistent. I know, because many of you have told me.
It isn’t only lack of time spent, though. The topics I cover are neither comfortable nor what many will openly admit to experiencing. My knowledge comes from personal experience rather than from research or degrees. In many ways, I count on the six degrees of separation to reach more of those who need to hear that depression, family suicide, anxiety; essentially not being OK is perfectly OK. Not everyone can come out of the seemingly safe shell they’ve built around themselves to join the conversation. That’s OK too. It took me over four decades to come out from behind the walls myself.
My purpose here isn’t to judge, nor is it to tell you how to navigate your own particular rocky road. More than anything else, I want people to understand they’re not alone in feeling the way they do. The truth is, we all get anxious at times; especially now with all the scary, crazy stuff going on in the world. We all get depressed sometimes, and we all lose control too. Whether we lose it in front of friends, family, or strangers, or in the privacy of our own four walls makes no difference. If you ask me, being “down” emotionally, regardless of the name you give it is part of the human condition.
Traumas Are Part of Your Makeup
Each of us has our triggers which are directly tied to traumas we’ve experienced throughout our 
lives. It doesn’t matter how charmed your life might seem to the outside world. At some point, you’ve suffered a loss; of a loved one, a pet, or a friend. Maybe it was something you wanted badly, but failed to achieve or acquire. Whatever it was, few reach adulthood without losing something or someone important.
Traumas leave scars. Most people don’t learn to face their traumas and release them in childhood. Far too many are still struggling with the concept as adults. Much of it is due to your family’s beliefs about emotions and feelings. Many of us were taught to hide them, and not knowing better, we did for years, and at some point either are, or will pay a high price for honoring the family dynamic.
Coping mechanisms keep you safe, but they don’t allow you to face a fear or loss, and deal with it in a healthy manner. Instead, they typically engage your fight or flight response which means whenever you encounter something your mind thinks is similar, you’ll respond in the same way. In some people, you’d call that fear of commitment. In my case, I learned to sabotage any relationship I was in before I was the one who was kicked to the curb. Then again, I made a lot of choices guaranteed to end, and most of the time, they ended badly.
Misguided Beliefs Formed From Coping Mechanisms
For decades, I believed I was meant to be alone based on the poor choices I’d made, the people I’d attracted or been attracted to, and the unkindness I’d suffered at the hands of many. It took me until well into my 40’s to realize I was getting what I put out, and hiding my true self behind generations of family mores and beliefs. Until that point, I had no reason to question their validity, despite the fact I would ultimately realize it not only destroyed my mom, but my dad as well, leaving them both with the belief their only choice was to end their own lives.
Even so, I held it all in for 16 years after my mom’s death and 6 after my dad’s; still hiding behind the belief it was the right thing to do. How could I know people connected by sharing their traumas and imperfections rather than by hiding them? It wasn’t until my daughter started talking about moving out that I realized without her, I was completely alone. Worse, I’d given her no tools to be a normal, functioning, connecting human being either.
Despite the huge gap in her education, she was the one who showed me the way. She encouraged me to start writing again, and to share some of those bottled-up feelings. She had no idea what she was starting!
Flaunting Your Imperfections
Like anyone who’s held everything in for too long, my walls were flimsy at best, and already a 
pile of rubble I’d been holding together with wishes and prayers in many places. It didn’t take many words on the page, or many months before I was doing what my family would have called “airing my dirty laundry”. It also didn’t take long to learn the lessons they’d taught me were not only wrong, but dangerously so. Until I started writing and sharing, I was, in hindsight, perilously close to following my mom’s exit plan.
Sure, I had used my daughters as an excuse for many years, but with Heather getting ready to move out (though it was another couple of years before she actually did) I was running out of reasons to stick around. Heaven knows, I’d convinced myself no one would notice or miss me, and frankly, I wasn’t far from wrong. It wasn’t that I wasn’t worth knowing. I simply hadn’t given anyone the chance. Some people had tried, but beating your head against a brick wall is no one’s idea of a good time, and though internally I was rubble, the face I showed the world was still solid and impenetrable.
It’s been a long road, but I’ve learned a valuable lesson in the process. You don’t attract people who share your beliefs; your values; your experiences by being cold and immovable . You have to let them see your warts; your scars; your vulnerability. Conventional wisdom might tell you “don’t ever let ’em see you sweat”. The truth is, you don’t make strong, lifetime connections based on the solidity of your walls. Your true “followers”; your friends and fellow travelers share life’s imperfections.
Those imperfections give each of us a reason to be there for someone else, not only in the good times, but the bad ones as well. They allow someone like me to reach out, or better still, come to mind when someone loses a loved one to suicide, or is struggling with depression and feelings of worthlessness themselves. It gives me a chance to be needed, and reminds me how good it feels so I can unbend a little more, and ask for help once in awhile too.
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri 
believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author. And check out her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.
