Better Off Alone At Times
One of the coping mechanisms I developed to offset my abandonment issues was believing if I was included somewhere, it was better than being excluded everywhere. The trouble with that logic is it led me to try and fit in; be included in a lot of wrong places. I’d turn myself inside out trying to be who I thought I needed to be to gain acceptance from a particular group, only to realize nothing I did worked, and as I’ve been most of my adult life, I ended up alone, once again.
Old habits die hard, and I found myself doing the same thing yet again, with exactly the same results, which left me feeling even more abandoned. But it also taught me something new. Rather than put all my eggs in the same social basket, I need to expand my social circle, and connect with more than just a tiny group. That way, when some people are busy elsewhere, I have others with whom I can socialize when I need people time. Best of all, when I opened my eyes, I discovered people who are ready to accept me as I am, with no internal gymnastics required.
As it is, I’m not the only circle my friends travel in. When they’ve been busy with family or other friends, I’ve found myself alone, and lately, it’s been more often than not. Depending on only a couple of people for my entire social interactions isn’t healthy for any of us.
An Ever-Changing Journey
None of us can be something to everybody, any more than we can be everything to somebody. Variety brings perspective, especially when you’re in a place like I’ve been, where the world is askew for some unfathomable reason. Often, it’s a different perspective that brings the insight necessary to adapt to the new landscape which came about as the journey unfolded.
You can’t stay in one place, even if you try. The world changes around you, with you, or without you. If you wake up feeling like you woke up in a different dimension, it might be because you tried to stand still amidst the changes, and ended up being dragged along for the ride. While you were sleeping, your ship sailed, moving to a different location while you weren’t conscious enough to try and stop it.
The journey might even cover old ground like mine has lately, bringing disturbing, or even nightmarish dreams along with it. In a single night, I might dream a soon-to-be-ex is trying to murder me, forcing me to disconnect from technology, and depend on strangers to escape, followed by another disturbingly real dream where I’m suddenly uninvited from parties and gatherings in which I was an integral part only days earlier.
There’s no explanation for the exclusion, nor for the murderous intent. At best, I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time. At worst, I’ve committed some sort of heinous misdeed not revealed in the dream. It’s enough to rattle me, and keep me from falling asleep again for an hour or so, but it also makes me realize the old patterns and feelings I’m trying to fathom, and work through are now invading my dreams as well. There are no coincidences.
Revisiting Old Wounds to Heal Some More
I could focus on the obvious, and simply face the feelings head-on, find a way to forgive those who had a hand in the deep-seated issues I carry with me still, and in part, I do. But when it invades my dreams, I realize there’s a more than just the obvious to this story. Not only do I have to learn to face, and release the old feelings, and the harmful patterns with them, it’s been hiding a resistance to change I wasn’t aware had a hand in the whole sordid mess going on inside my head.
Though there are certain parts I can only tackle alone, I’m also resisting letting go of the idea of being included in one place, though I’ve become resigned to being alone, at least from that quarter. I now need to release the resistance that’s precluding the arrival of a newer, better, social order which will include me, and won’t require any outrageous, or uncomfortable maneuvers in order to get there. I simply need to allow.
Allowing is yet another loop on my spiral journey, and I suspect on many of yours as well. I keep looping back every time I’m in resistance, whether it’s letting go of something, or opening up to another. Often, I need to allow myself to let go of a person, an idea, a thought, or a behavior before I can allow the next, better version to come in.
Every Loss Leads to New Possibilities
Letting go of Dylan, a cat I’d spent over 14 years loving, and depending on was harder than hell. I was a complete wreck, and did everything I could to prolong his life, as did his doctors. But he was ready to go. His time here was done. When I finally accepted the inevitable, there was Scrappy Doo, who’d been quietly snuggling on my left side while Dylan draped himself over my right; whose purr had calmed me into a meditative state, or sleep for several years, without the complete adoration Dylan commanded.
When my vision cleared, Scrappy remained beside me, loyal, devoted, and adoring, but now, he gets the attention he’s deserved for so long. It’s not that I ignored him while Dylan was alive. He simply took second place, and was, to all outward appearances, content. He’s a lot happier now, taking his place beside me on the couch whenever I sit down, and he’s one of the first to jump on my bed at night, to curl in one of his favorite spots, and purr loudly until I drift off to sleep.
Thinking about Scrappy, and how patient he’s been with me, allowing me to put him in second place as long as Dylan was alive reminds me there’s a time, a place, and a purpose for everything. Over my life, there are times I have been in the center of a social group, times I’ve been a hanger-on, and times I’ve been completely outside; alone and lonely. Yet, sometimes, I’m on the outside, living my solitary life as much by choice as by circumstance.
You’re Never Truly Alone
Through it all, there’s always been at least one cat who’s there to greet me when I come home, and when I wake in the morning. Even when my connections with humans were in shreds, and I felt like I stood alone in the center of a tiny island in a raging storm, my feline companions kept me grounded until I found my way back to solid ground, and social connections I didn’t have to work to create, but which came with ease.
The most important lesson I’m getting from all this is if you have to work too hard to make something happen, it’s not your something. What is yours will come with ease, if only you allow it. There are definitely times when alone is better, at least for the moment.
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri 
believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.
If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.
