Hit or Miss is Another Form of Procrastination

As I sit here wondering what to write, I realize I’m barely keeping up with my 2-weeks ahead goal right now. I’ll get 3 weeks ahead, then won’t write for days, and I need to put an end to that practice. The only thing stopping me right now is me. I do want to take a look at the novel intensive documentation so I can dive deeply into the rewrite of “Rebuilding After Suicide”, and haven’t even done that yet. The time to start is now, not another year or two from now. I’m a procrastinator, but I can also accomplish a lot when I put my mind to it. So what’s really stopping me now?

I’ve learned through experience that my ADD mind can be a friend or a foe. Either I can let every little thing distract me from my purpose, or I can hyperfocus for hours, forgetting to eat or drink, or even pee. The trouble is, I’ve been letting it guide me instead of the other way around, and as a result, have gotten no further on my rewrite, and slipped back from 3 weeks ahead to 2 on my blog post, and then, only barely.

I know I work best with a schedule, yet haven’t seen fit to create a card with dates for each chapter’s re-write yet. Why is that? What’s stopping me? Fear? Lack of motivation? Imposter Syndrome? Laziness? Truthfully, it’s probably a combination of all those factors and a few more I’ve yet to put a name to.

Being Accountable to Myself

I’ve learned, however, not to dwell on what I haven’t done, but to focus on what I have done, and on creating the schedule which will hold me accountable. I know the accountability is only with myself, but in recent years, have realized there really is no one more important than myself in my world. It took me years to figure that out as I put anyone and everyone ahead of me. But once I learned to honor commitments to me first, things started changing.

I guess I lost sight of that for a little while, after being criticized and demeaned for my efforts. I lost sight of the fact that it was one person’s opinion (and one person who has a very high opinion of herself which I’d do well to emulate).

Improving My Self-Promotion Skills

Learning to self-promote, and more, to believe my own self-promotion is a tough one for me. I know it’s necessary in order to make all my plans come to fruition (you can’t run a service-based business in a vacuum, after all). Still, my confidence is shaken easily. It’s still in its infancy and needs regular infusions of love and attention; things only I can give it.

I also need to realize one person’s negative opinion in the midst of so many telling me they love what I write should not shake my confidence at all. In fact, I should be able to shake it off and get on with my plans. But years of feeling small are hard to completely release. It’s a day-to-day process which needs constant nurturing.

Embracing My Unique and Wonderful Self

Sure, I’m a writer, and writers tend to be insecure anyway. I have to ask myself, though if I have now, or ever did ascribe to the norm; conform to anyone’s rules. My rebelliousness might have always been quiet and low-key, but the truth is, I’ve never been one to conform.

Even growing up, my hair was long and curly when everyone else did everything they could to have straight hair. I’ve never fallen into my mother’s need to wear the right clothes or have the right hairstyle. I eschew anything designer, and in fact, choose comfort over style most of the time. If it makes me stand out at times, I’ve somehow learned to accept that. If nothing else, it’s hard to blend into a crowed of black, white, and denim blue while wearing hot pink.

If it means throwing off the mantle I so readily accepted of “insecure writer”, there’s no better time. I need as much confidence as I can muster to cut my 10-year project into little pieces and put it back together better, stronger, and more powerful than before.

I realize allowing myself to be perceived as an insecure introvert was the easy way out. It absolved me of making any kind of mark. I could always blame my lack of progress or success on the labels I’d accepted.

Re-writing My Own Script

Sometimes we have to take a good, hard look at how we’ve allowed ourselves to be perceived, and recognize them for the albatross they’ve become. I hear myself uttering so many untruths, but as long as I speak them, they’re true, and I don’t have to excel.

  • I’m an introvert. It’s hard for me to put myself out there,
  • I’m an insecure writer, so finishing something and letting the world see is hard.
  • I’m a procrastinator. I don’t finish things.
  • I put others first so my own needs aren’t important

Do any of these sound familiar? Have they stopped you from being the amazing person who is clamoring for release even now? I know they’ve held me back, and frankly, I’m sick and tired of telling myself these convenient, oppressive stories.

Learning to Believe in Myself

I could say I’ve adopted them because this is what I’ve heard all my life, but that would be a lie. Maybe there was a time I had no one to believe in me, though even that isn’t entirely true. Nowadays, I have lots of people who believe in me, encourage me, and want to see me succeed. In short, I’ve run out of excuses for holding myself back. And it’s about damn time!

Procrastination will no longer find justification in things like my ADD mind, my introversion, my insecurities, or anything else. It’s time I cried “bullshit” and let it all go. It’s time to finish what I’ve started; all 5 projects, in fact. It’s time to clear my plate so I can start new and better projects once I’ve finished what I started.

The last 5 years have been my learning ground; my testing ground. I’ve learned, grown, and expanded, but for the last few months, have stagnated. I’m so tired of sitting in this rut of my own making. There are a score of hands waiting to help pull me out and get me headed in the right direction again. It would be an act of supreme disrespect if I were to refuse their help, now, wouldn’t it? I deserve better, and so do they.

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats, and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author. And check out her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.

Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming release of ” Rebuilding After Suicide”.