Gently Clearing Feelings of Abandonment
I have abandonment issues. There, I’ve said it. But that’s the easy part. Working my way through them, every time they rear their ugly heads (picture Medusa here), is another issue entirely. They sneak in surreptitiously, strangers in the night, then slip out of view just as I turn around to catch them in the act.
I spent several days recently feeling inexplicably sad. The worst part was, my usual outlet, dancing, seemed to make it worse instead of better. It wasn’t until a woman with whom I’ve become friendly noticed my distress, and walked me to my car when I finally figured out what had, in fact been building slowly for several months.
After exchanging phone numbers, and making a half-hearted promise to connect outside of dancing, I drove home, dreaming about the ice cream I’d remorselessly consume in the next hour or so, it hit me.
Emerging from Isolation
Like many people, my world narrowed to a small group of people during the pandemic. I’d grown even closer to two friends I’d connected with before things shut down. Interestingly enough, therein lies the problem. I’d inadvertently built my world around those two women, and snuggled into a life where my introverted self could avoid any other close connections.
For the last few months, both women (who, unlike me, have lives outside of dancing) have been busy with other things, or dealt with injuries and illnesses which kept them away from dancing. I continued to go to the club on my usual nights, often sitting alone at my table for three while a large group gathered around one, large table. It wasn’t that I felt unwelcome there so much as I didn’t feel included. It started to matter far more than it should have because of the isolation that had been thrust on me, but that I also perpetuated.
Over time, the mostly self-imposed isolation has reached toxic levels. I’d notice how warmly the people at the other table interacted with each other, and longed for someone to interact equally warmly with me. It even got to the point where my inability to breach the gap sucked all the joy out of my dancing. Worse yet, I had fallen into old habits, and was trying to be the “right” kind of person who would fit in with the group.
Fitting in Should be Effortless
It finally reached a head when a fellow dancer messaged me asking if she could share my table. I, of course, said yes, as I knew she was going through a tough time, and thought it might help me get out of my own way if I did something for someone else. Instead, she went straight for the table where I feel uninvited, leaving me sitting there alone, wondering why I’d even bothered to come out.
As I slog through the feelings, the uppermost is one of being a convenience rather than someone to actually hang out with, which of course, exacerbated the feelings of abandonment I was already struggling with. The Universe can be very insistent, so when I was slow in figuring out what was making me blue, it showed me in no uncertain terms exactly which old feelings and habits were being triggered. Then, it showed me equally clearly, what it felt like to have someone care, and want to include me.
It was the stark contrast that finally opened my eyes, and led me, if not to a solution, at least to the cause. Though the solution would ultimately have to come from me, I also had an opportunity, and a direction on which to embark for the latest in a long series of healing journeys.
Stepping Out of the Dis-Comfort Zone
The first step will be widening my social circle, allowing at least one other person to get to know the real me, unfiltered, and unmasked. The second will be to let go of hoping to fit into a circle where I clearly don’t fit in, aside from a mutual love of dancing. I need to accept we’ll always be friendly acquaintances, rather than friends, and it’s enough. They’d likely be horrified, or disgusted by the wounds I carry beneath my social surface. If it isn’t OK right now, it will be, once I accept their role in my life for what it is, and not what I might wish it were.
I know the next few months will be tricky, and more than a little terrifying. Like everyone, there are layers of myself I keep locked securely behind concrete reinforced, steel doors. Only a select few have, or will ever gain entry. I also know in order to fully connect with people, I have to start cracking the door open, and letting some of my secret self out, bit by bit to see who runs away, and who relates, and offers compassion rather than disgust.
Working past my deep-seated abandonment issues means exposing myself to the potential for being abandoned again. But without making the effort, I also don’t allow myself to be accepted, loved, and included. My stomach roils at the thought of my next steps, though my heart knows it’s time. The Universe has made it clear if I don’t start taking steps forward, it’s going to push me off another cliff, so I have no choice but to spread my wings, and fly a little higher; a little farther.
Writer, Heal Thyself
As usual when I’m chewing on a problem, I’m talking to myself while writing this post. It’s as much a pep talk, as it is a sharing of things many of you may be going through too. It’s recognizing the problem, knowing I’m the only one who can solve it, and shining a spotlight on the angels out there who are waiting for me to ask for help so they can be part of my solution.
That spotlight is also shining on those I’ve tried desperately, yet fruitlessly to align myself with. It’s exposing all the flaws in my reasoning, the gaps I can’t hope to bridge, nor am I meant to, and the part those relationships will continue to play in my life, from a distance rather than up close, and personal.
Healing never comes in a straight line. You have to visit, and revisit old wounds, especially the deeper ones which span your entire lifetime, and likely those of your ancestors as well. Often, you resist the next step in the healing process until you can no longer ignore it, nor fail to take the necessary steps to heal the latest layer to be revealed. If only the relief to be found at the end of the process could be felt first. But the pain is usually what guides the action, not the relief and release.
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri 
believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.
If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.
